HarukaTokiwa

I apologize for the following pent up rant. I'm mellow and happy on the inside but I just need to get this out. 
If "she" reads this she's either gonna cry or come after me. 
I don't know wtf to say anymore. But I have some feelings to. So sorry about this-

I'm so torn up inside and I can't even talk to her. 
It's been years...

She cheated on me. 
Confuses me. 
And she forgot my name. 
Then cries when I'm not focused on her. 
Hates everything sexual. And thinks I'm a self centered sexual deviant. 
I had a nightmare of her being so negative towards my new friends I made at college.
And I had this dream gone nightmare when I was in my college dorm.
She gave me photo's long ago of her that I ingrained into my head
I was happy in the dream and then everything went sour.  

Well. Fuck. 
My life doesn't revolve around it sex.
And if I want to act sexy then dam it I will. I live once. I'm gonna act like a sexy rock star fuck, who will not give two shits about anything but love. When I'm gonna love something I'm gonna do it right. And if I feel like being physical it just means I care- ALOT. And when I'm horny a get possessive now. I listen, I be careful, but when the time comes then ya- I'll ravage. 

I'm in college and she dropped off the face of the earth years ago which scares the shit out of me. 
And I want to burn every picture she drew for me but I can't...

So if I remember the time right, 2 years ago? So 2 years ago I acted like a lovesick simpleton trying to give my life and devotion to her- and I scared her cause I was like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to "make it work". 
Even looking back on it what in the fuck was wrong with me... 
She wants to forget about me and I'm just an ignorant road block in her way. 

And people tell me I'm kind, smart, wonderful, nice, and even sexy. In my last years of high school I did Roleplay. 
Ya I was young and stupid with time to kill doing role plays online. It was to fill a void. And it helped a little. 

And this woman, who's gorgeous mind you, forgot my name and cries when I try to date someone else. 
She had someone contact me about dating someone, and months later me and this person (this one person she may have been either jealous or upset about) broke up with me. Peacefully might I add. 

...

Now I'm single and thinking "Maybe I should have asked her why she was crying?" 
Maybe I should have tried again even though I knew talking to her would be agonizingly terrifying with her picking apart my words and sentences. And she didn't even like the relationship...

Well I always look like the bad guy, and when I spoke back then it was either too passionate or borderline creepy. Anyways I forgave her repetitively, she wanted to break up and I just want her to be happy. 
Yet she forgets my online name, and thinks I'm a sexual deviant.

Back then it was just love. And wanting the other to feel good. 

If I'm a pervert now from what I have done over the years- fine. I'd rather know wth I'm doing then not at all. 

I tried being a protector, the pleaser, the listener, the devoted mate, patient, willing to do anything.

Now? 
Everything needs to be more laid back. 

I'm just going to go on normal dates... 
Look at the person and their real character. 
Not someone else's character or a fictional one. 

I want a normal dating experience, 
and if I'm gay. I'm going to be the best dam boyfriend I can be. 
And I'll pick out cute fun dates. Real life, dinners, movies, and picnics. 

If I'm single for a while it's fine.
I know I'm worth it... I don't need to bend backwards or go on my knees because I'm lovesick and hurt over 1 person. 
Unless it's to help somebody- or give a ring on my knees to someone. Which I don't see the ring anytime soon.

So I'll try my hardest to move on. 
Ya, Sounds good.

Oh and I'm not going to continue my YouTube channel forever- I use the same name as on here. I'm just going to keep posting things I like till I move on from it. And if I cover it in anymore Hetalia it may be cutesy but I want to sugar coat it with cuteness (probably usuk) and sexy videos. Sexy videos because I get frisky and feel like the shit sometimes. I'm single and I need an outlet if I can't be passionate. Anyways, I have 1 video ready for "a like" for Christmas. It's a funny video but I might quit before Christmas. Idk. I'm gonna roll with it.  

I will never get her back... even if I could I will never find her.

No matter what I do or try. She's happier and finally growing on her own. 
I wish I knew some things before we dated.... but that's behind us. 
And I'm happy she's happy. At least I think she is...

I wish I did things differently. And to talk to her now would only hurt her or maybe scare her. 
It's been so long almost 3 years... I bet she's forgotten about me even though I loved her so much. 
Her love for me always wavered... and she was probably too young to understand.
Which bothered me, her age, when she told me.

I know I have no chance with her but I will always look back, and be happy. 
She can tear me to shreds and I still love her. 
I think about her face sometimes and wonder if she lied about the pictures.... to protect herself and her own heart. 
As long as she lives and breathes, happy without me that should be enough. 
My existence is probably a pain in her ass, and I feel bad to have made her mad or annoyed maybe from the existence if she thinks of me.
I shouldn't be greedy. But even though she probably hates me I need to let her know, I still love you.
Be safe in the world, follow your dreams, ... I love you.

So much has happened. And I'm a serious gamer now. I've played Age of Wushu, League of Legends (LoL), Street fighter, Call of Duty, Assassin's creed, Amnesia the Dark descent, and a little bit of Warframe and DC Nation. I've played multiple zombie killing games cause Why not? Lately I play League of Legends and Magic the gathering- mostly with Kelly and Ryan. Sometimes I play LoL with Libby and David for a full team rather than randomized people we don't know on 5 Vs 5. I picked a silly name but I'm up for a match if anyone wants to play. I go by "Aleron Diamante".

Ryan and Kelly are great friends of mine. I met them at school. I also have a sister named Kelly so it's awkward when I'm home but not on campus. They are the best people I have ever met. They're dating at the moment which can get awkward watching them make out in front of me but I'm happy for them. I'm sorta used to it now. I keep trying to date people in college but I'm pretty much friend zoned and online I ended up single again.....

The one girl I have on my mind want's nothing to do with me. She haunts me and she's still alive. And my heart is sick of making her cry. She's been clear with me, a long time ago... my heart sank but I respect and love her. She wants nothing to do with me.... And when I dated someone else online she cried and her friend was mad with me.... Those tears ripped me apart and it kills me to wonder, about the future. I want to know what she really thinks... if at all. Why is it I only hurt her... when all I want to do is love her? She wants nothing to do with me....
Friendship left me wanting more cause I wanted that title of being hers....
She doesn't want my love or at least she said so....

I wanted her and I still only want her after about 3 years now. 

This is sooooo unnecessary!

Lol dam, at least I'm optimistic.

I've been going out with this guy named James but things aren't so smooth.

I won't talk about it too much eh...

Life.